Dear Chapo Cheerleaders and Pseudo Narcos

You are not El Chapo. You don’t know him. He doesn’t know you’re alive. If he did he would probably take your cupcake ass life for being all up on his nuts. You don’t work for him. You didn’t dig him a tunnel to escape prison. You barely wanna dig in your pocket to pitch in for ONE bottle with four of your boys. Buchanan’s. You fucking hate the taste but the rest of the chiki Narcos talk about it so you drink it.

You like Corridos. Cool. Me too. You are not a narco.

You probably got one pair of Gucci frames. One fake belt. You base your entire outfit off that. Yea. No mames.

You yell shit like “FIERRO PARIENTE!” in your Nissan Maxima with the check engine light on. Driving to work agitated cause your boss at Home Depot is gonna bitch you out for being late again. Then you put on that orange vest. “FIERRRROOO!”

You ain’t a narco fam. You ain’t a Killa. You got drowsy and had to drink water when the nurse drew blood from you at your last check up. She gave you a lollipop cause your bitch ass sugar was low.

You never been to Sinaloa in your life. You probably don’t have a Facebook friend from Sinaloa. You live in a big city and drive 30 minutes to a Tamborazo at a “rancho”. Vaquero trucker hats and screams of “ANDO AL CIEN PARIENTE!” Then you visit your dad’s rancho in Mexico… Show up mad humble and forgot to pack your Gucci frames and belt though. Word.

You ain’t a narco homie.

And the only thing worse than a fake narco are the broads infatuated by that shit. Instagraming that bottle them four dudes bought in unison. Caption that shit “Puro VIP.” Smh. Sitting down all night. Wanna dance but they can’t cause all four dudes they came with are drunk crying at the table. Talking bout son de rancho but they microwave tortillas. Facebook status on some “tired of all these fakes.” Meanwhile she got blond hair and black eyebrows wearing a faja. Smh. Knows every Ariel Camacho song word for word. 5 years ago her ring tone was some Don Omar shit. “Daleeee…dale, don, Daleee.”

No mamen.

Narco shit is real. So is gangbanging. You wouldn’t act like you’re a gangbanger in Chicago or Los Angeles cause they real ones will ride on you. Narco shit is the same. You’re just doing it in the comfortable blanket of distance.

We all saw that Chapo escaped. Believe me I love to root for the underdog. Chapo is not an underdog. He’s a very powerful man. He’s done good and bad. Hate him or love him…yall cheering like he’s gonna drop off a key at the front door of the apartment that you’re late on rent at.

“Watch out Trump…talk your shit now…hahahahhah” — un pendejo.

Thank you for perpetuating the exact stereotype that Donald Combover mentioned.

One week it was “we are not violent...we are not criminals. We come here to work hard and honest.”
Now it’s “Chapo gonna kill you puto...así somos los mexicanos cabrón…ahuevo…jajaja.”

“FIERRRROOOO!”

Now go home. El Señor de los Cielos starts at 9. With ya bitch ass.

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Juan Zarate is a member of the hip hop duo Serpientes y Pirámides. He is the author of the blog #JuanitoWisdom.

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